A friend of mine once told me that the
reviews of mine that he enjoyed the most were the most negative. He
said it was absolutely exhilarating to see someone unleash so much
verbal venom at a game. Of course, negative criticism for a game is
just honed from the most time-honored tradition amongst all youth,
taunting. Or in modern parlance, laying down the smack talk. Some
vulgar argot calls it the Dozens, and its aficionados use it as a
way of expressing themselves, but the art of smack is vital for a
video gamer to learn.
With that said,
I am getting sick and tired of seeing every newb and would-be
script-kiddie out there trying to front like they’ve just busted
Kibo’s stones. It’s even worse in the arcade. You’ve got kids
wandering around like the word “gay” was the new f-bomb. They
bluster with the same half-spoken English like they’re the pixel
world’s Dorothy Parker, when they’re barely ranking as the ‘cade
rat’s Dorothy Gale. In other words, you aren’t in Kansas anymore,
so get out of my face with the weak words unless you want a verbal
condo on the cranium.
So lest I get
bored to death with the taunts I get, I’m going to give you a couple
of quick lessons on how to get through effectively and rise above
the ranks.
First, speak
proper English. I don’t care if I do speak three languages,
mushmouth isn’t one of them. I’m not a portable Rosetta Stone, so
don’t act like you’re speaking the universal tongue. If you can’t
be understood, you aren’t going to be remembered. Clarity is the
key, people.
The online
version of that is to learn to type in a readable manner. Pardon me
if Derrick Coleman’s words on practice come to mind when I think of
everyone speaking in what they’re calling “l33t” nowadays. I first
saw this called B1FF-sp33k, and it has always been the mark of the
clueless. I simply can’t feel challenged by anyone who doesn’t even
have a grasp of their native language. Yes, as a side note, I’ve
seen people try to type that way in other languages. It manages to
be even more pitiful than in English.
So, we’re all
speaking something that passes (give or take a dialect or ten) of
English, right? Excellent, now we are going to move onto
vocabulary. First off, stop using the word “gay” as an insult
altogether. Only the most rabidly homophobic person is going to
take that seriously. It has become the smack talk version of
responding “Yeah, well so’s your mother!”
That, and it’s
incredibly easy to respond to. Even if you aren’t homosexual, a
quick homosexual come-on as a response will freak out anyone willing
to use “gay” as an insult. It puts them back on their heels, even
if you aren’t gay and they were the last person you’d jump in the
sack with even if they were. Once you’ve got that down, they’re
fair game.
Of course, this
leaves the question as to what to say. To be honest, they say that
all the best stuff is already written, so just take other good smack
from wherever you can find it. I’m not talking about plagiarizing a
review, of course – this is just taunts to get you started. Go with
the classic nasty people first: Oscar Wilde (who, appropriately
enough, was gay), Dorothy Parker, Benjamin Disraeli, Johnathan
Swift, Mark Twain, Ambrose Bierce, and Voltaire (who was French – if
anyone knew how to be nasty, it was him). From there, you’ll pick
up a lot of material and can start modifying it for your own uses.
What’s better
is that will help you with another important step. You have to
build your vocabulary, and reading is the best way to do that.
There is a reason the English language has so many words – we need
as many ways as possible to say nasty things to each other. Not
saying that you should totally abandon classics. A well timed
“chump” can win a verbal sparring match right there. But seriously,
what sounds better, “You’re a feeb ‘cause you whacked off too much
last night” or “Your activities with goats last night didn’t help
Gomorrah at all and they’re not going to help you get any better at
games either.” Best part is, if they act all confused, you have
built in responses in spades: “What, you expect me to educate you as
well as belittle you?” “Sorry, forgot to speak in small words for
you.” “Maybe if you spent less time on the short bus, you’d know
what that means.” And so forth.
Maybe the most
important thing to keep in mind, though, is to only sparingly use
profanity. Basically, if you overuse profanity, it becomes boring.
It’s the same problem the Dada movement had (you know, the guys who
put urinals in art museums as displays and who made copies of the
Mona Lisa with facial hair). Sure, it’s shocking at first to see
something that outre. But it quickly becomes boring. And if you’re
boring the opposition in a smack talk fight, then you’ve lost. So
save it for punctuation.
So for those
looking to master the art of using words to cause anal prolapse in
your opposition, I hope this helps. Hey, show off by writing to me
– see if you have what it takes.
