When I was really coming into my own as a gamer, in the late 8-bit/early 16-bit era, being a dedicated video gamer with a girlfriend was pretty much the impossible dream. Having a video game system was common, sure – you know the ladies loved to borrow my strategy guides. And by that, I mean I'd bring in the Nintendo Power issues for them to borrow, which meant I was less of a stud and more of a lending library. But that certainly wasn't translating into actual female companionship. Well, we've certainly come a long way since then. I mean, I've been married for nearly four years now, and I can name a half dozen more gamers off the top of my head that are in serious long-term relationships. And if I do the sensible thing and count their significant others/fiancés/spouses, that number obviously doubles.
So why do I mention the fact that gamers are no longer condemned to be dateless? Because of a fascinating little piece that MSN decided to run. As a little helper for people out there, they actually came up with a miniature personality guide to show what kind of person owns each console. I honestly couldn't believe it. Video gaming has officially become mainstream enough that trite articles are written about video gamers for those who want to date us. Talk about momentous – I feel like I could spontaneously give birth to puppies, I'm so shocked. All you single gamers out there, now is your time. You're officially not social lepers anymore. I feel all warm and fuzzy.
But wait, you might say. Sure, someone is writing trite articles about measuring video gamers as potential lovers. But is it any good? Well, first off, get off your lazy ass and look up "trite" in the dictionary. I can promise you that regardless of what system you might like, you're going to think such a piece is going to be off. If someone thinks they can tell what kind of lover someone would be by what video game system to buy, then they're inevitably setting themselves up for romantic disappointment. Want to know what it means in terms of my personality that I own a Wii and not the other two current generation's systems? It says that I thought I'd get enjoyment out of the Wii and don't feel that way about the other two. Okay, the actual truth is that it says that my wife really wanted one and I just went along with it. But that's splitting hairs, really.
Beyond that, you know you're going to wind up with trouble when the panel of "experts" talked to in regards with their inane outlook on relationships only includes one person who actually studies emotions and deals with helping people have better relationships (in this case, a psychiatrist). Asking the guy behind GameTrailers.com doesn't suggest to me that we're dealing with a real brain trust when it comes to judging a person's personality. Now, if we were discussing the games themselves, he'd be a great commentator. But call me skeptical that he'd be qualified to say what kind of romantic partner someone might be because of, well, anything. And to be fair, I'd expect people to be equally skeptical if I was the one giving advice – I think I have good advice to give, but you'd really need more than my word on it.
I got a bit of a giggle out of the impressions of the PlayStation 3 owner, mostly because the image that formed in my head was invariably that of what Playboy tries to present as its reader base. I've read enough Playboy to know that a regular feature in each issue is a page where they talk about how amazing the readership of Playboy is, presumably to make people feel better about buying porn. All I know is that Time or Newsweek don't have to resort to such pandering to make their readership feel better about their subscriptions. But I digress – the idea is that the PlayStation 3 owner is all swank, class, and power. The funny thing is, the mental image that actually brings to mind are the greasy, creepy guys that spend way too much time cruising for one-night stands at bars. If I owned a PS3 and was single, I'd probably hide it when a woman came over in the fear that she might have read this article.
Wii owners, don't think you come off much better. Apparently, those of us with a Wii are selfish, but fun – don't even ask me how that works. Well, it does work in one manner, but then you're the kind of person who buys Playboy outside their would-be target audience. Wii owners are apparently frugal, but accommodating to outside influences. So we're apparently wanting to be stingy and to ourselves, but realize something should let us connect… maybe that whole "reproductive urge" thing. You get the sense that, as the only ones who talked about the Wii were the video gamers, that this question was less about what was thought of Wii owners as potential dates and more as Wii owners as people. The backhanded compliments there reminded me much of everyone who clung to the "two GameCubes taped together" meme.
Ah, but what about the Xbox 360? What kind of lovers would they make? Well, to very little surprise, the Microsoft Network has stated that they'd make incredible lovers. Apparently, it's the true machine to show affection on, and that they're practically ferocious in the sack. By the way, that sound you hear is a bunch of dateless 360 owners trying to convince themselves that they're suddenly prime relationship material. About the only downside they suggest is that they may be logging a few hundred hours on their favorite game. Oh, like the rest of us don't do that – I'm approaching the 600-hour mark on Pokémon Diamond. That's hardly an exclusive for 360 owners. Still, becoming a stallion in bed makes me almost want a 360, until I remember that I'm waiting either for a couple more games I'd want or a price drop. Stupid common sense getting in the way of becoming a sex machine.
I'm not saying that video gaming has nothing to do with becoming a good lover. I regularly play games in which love is the motivator that can save the world. I learn that subtlety has its place in many places, from secret rooms to an understated sign of affection. And I can flick my thumb 300 times per minute; if you can't figure out a romantic use for that, then you need more help than I can give you. But seriously, if the hardware wired up to your television set is being used to judge your relationship style, then someone is doing something seriously wrong, and it's not you. Still, being mistaken for what type of lover you might be is an improvement, even if it's from whether or not you'd even be capable of a relationship.
