At this point, I imagine you’ve all heard that Electronic Arts, my personal favorite target for complaining about video games, has now purchased the exclusive rights to use ESPN’s brand in video games for the next fifteen years. You can quite simply describe this move as a giant middle finger to Sega, Take Two Interactive, and people who like to see solid football games. You are either going to have to deal with the substandard efforts of a first-world programming sweatshop, or go without an officially licensed game.
To be honest, if you decided on the latter choice, good for you. After all, why should you waste money on a major sports license if the game’s no good? So, here’s a public service from Netjak to the world: here’s a jump-start in making your generic football game, all 32 teams for you to use. Based on previous precedent, this is all perfectly legal. We don’t even ask for any money, should you use these suggestions – just give a quick thanks to Netjak.com in the credits. These teams are in no particular alphabetical order.
Arizona Phoenix - This not only makes more sense than the actual team name, but it’s a much more imposing name. Something has to be done to that franchise. It has the bonus of invoking the state’s capital in the image.
Atlanta Raptors - I mean this in the “bird of prey” sense. Not the “worst color scheme in sports” basketball team, or the Steven Spielberg movie monster sense. This also means that purple is completely banned from the color scheme. I mean for this team, but a lack of purple might be a good move overall.
Baltimore Crows - If the team name worked on “Smallville,” then by sweet mercy it’s good enough for me. That, and crows are nasty birds – the kind I wouldn’t want to deal with. Just make sure to give them a more intimidating color than purple, please.
Buffalo Bison - At least it isn’t a cheesy take on a man who nearly sent a species into extinction. You know, like the real team’s name. And to further make a point, this team will need to have a classic red, white, and blue color scheme, and not duds that look like someone got too happy with Photoshop.
Carolina Pumas - I really hope people reading this are scrambling to make Coatimundi Man jokes as they read this. But since that’s unlikely, just suffice I chose the name of another large cat. That can fly and make its foes fall at 45 degree angels, breaking the laws of physics.
Cincinnati Tigers - Somewhat odd that only one professional team of the four major sports is called Tigers, isn’t it? If you want to be bolder, go for the Siberians and have Montecore as the logo. A team in no threat to move to Vegas anytime soon.
Chicago Pandas This would be a nod, of course, to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, because pointless references are what I’m all about (see two entries ago). That, and the classic “eats shoots and leaves” joke is a perennial favorite.
Cleveland Bulldogs - If nothing else, it would spare us having to explain why the team is named after a color that isn’t their primary color. Of course, the way the real team has played of late, they’d probably be lucky to get called the Poodles.
Dallas Rustlers - Since I cheer for Philadelphia in real life, I just had to stick a negative name onto the Dallas franchise. I’d say what Jerry Jones would kiss, but he’s had facelifts so often that he can’t go there anymore.
Denver Steeds I’m somewhat curious as to why there are so many teams named after horses. Maybe the NFL is really sponsored by Budweiser. Still, I don’t know how many horses like climbing mountains – feel free to go with something like Goats or the like for the team.
Detroit Tinmen - Look at that color scheme – I bet you’ve thought of calling them that before too. Plus, you could play “I’ll get you my pretty... and your little dog too!” during play breaks.
Green Bay Ponies - We renamed another horse team, so we preserved the nickname for another team. I fully expect to hear an earful from Wisconsin residents, which might inspire me to rename the team the Mules.
Houston Steers - It seems pretty appropriate, given that they took a team on the cusp of greatness from a football-crazy portion of the country and placed a struggling expansion team in its stead. I’d feel pretty neutered as a sports fan too.
Indianapolis Butchers - Cut that meat! Cut that meat!
Jacksonville Cougars - Like you can tell the difference between a cougar and a jaguar. I know I don’t have any regular zoologist readers. And this has the added bonus of only having one pronunciation. And to be consistent on my complaints about uniforms, teal is also banned.
Kansas City Ninjas - I couldn’t find any non-racist Native American terms that weren’t taken, so I went with another culture. And football, like everything else in life, needed more ninjas anyhow.
Miami Sharks - Why not make a reference to a movie with Al Pacino? Oliver Stone knew – if you want an aquatic mammal, you ought to go for the most bloodthirsty one imaginable.
Minnesota Berserkers “My love for you is like a truck – Berserker! Would you like to be making football – Berserker!” “Did he say making football?” (Hey, this is as close to the quote I can come on a family site.)
New England Minutemen - The old logo was effectively a cartoon of a minuteman anyhow – just give him a musket and have him back on the helmet. Make this feature red as a primary color, and revel in being totally old school.
New Jersey Ogres - First off, they play in New Jersey, so they have to admit to it. Secondly, they’re still divisional rivals, so they get a less flattering name. Though I recall the NYC area associating Shrek with the other football team in the stadium.
New Jersey Rockets - Again, they have as much right to say they’re in New York as I do saying I was born in Philly (Jersey born and bred). But this name is at least a more sensible name derived from aircraft. The Tomcats could also be pretty cool, if their coach always wore aviators.
New Orleans Cavaliers - Okay, if you want to be in a city named after another city in France, and use a stereotypically French symbol on your helmets, then just go whole hog and take a French name. Besides, it means “knights,” and we all know they’re a more imposing figure than the current name. It also throws out the connection to the classic nickname, “the Aint’s.”
Oakland Pirates - Yar, we be needin’ multiple seafaring names as well. Why be shy, just embrace your heritage. Besides, this was the original pirate football team, so they should just stand up and admit it. Or just sue Pittsburgh until they relinquish the rights to the name, knowing Al Davis.
Philadelphia Hawks - This almost got used for Atlanta, but why tempt angering the NBA in addition to the NFL? I won’t comment further, since this would be my team, after all.
Pittsburgh Ironworkers - If you’ve never known a single Pittsburgh fan, you’d wonder why I chose such an odd name. If you have ever known one, or are one, you’d understand it’s the only possible choice for the team. Have the logo feature a huge muscular guy with a hammer and anvil and it works, just trust me.
St. Louis Aries - We’re talking video games, so the zodiac is almost mandatory for discussion. This barely beat out the Scotsmen for now, but I reserve the right to cheese off an entire country at any time.
San Fransisco Miners - Spelunkers almost made it, until two things were pointed out to me. First, how many people know what a spelunker is? Second, that word, preceded by another word, is already a crude term to describe too many residents of the city, and I really would like to avoid too many lawsuits.
San Diego Destriers - The coolest team to involve a horse should get the coolest word for “horse,” even if I’m the only one reading this column who knew what a Destrier was before the browser window popped open. Just say the word, it sounds cool.
Seattle Pelicans - I decided to be kind here; between their record and being owned by Paul Allen, I really wanted to call them the Pigeons. Either way, the bird theme is kept so that they may lay an egg every time they make the playoffs.
Tampa Bay Corsairs - Also there on the “cool word” list, because it sounds like a new keyboard or the like. But you still have the excuse to sing “My Old Crusty Eyepatch” at the games.
Tennessee Colossals - It flows off the tongue much better than “Brobdingnagians,” or anything else that I could think of that means “frickin’ huge.”
Washington Senators - Hey, we get rid of the racism and note that their play is about as entertaining as C-SPAN. I think that’s everything you really need to do for the team.
This is all in good fun, though again I offer it for the price of a thanks in the credits of a game. And NFL, if you get upset, keep this in mind: maybe next time, you shouldn’t tie yourself to a slave-driving company out to destroy all competition at any cost. Even if the profit margin appears to be a bit prettier.
